


Why Sex Ed Should Stay in Schools

by yuletide_archivist



Category: Sesame Street (TV)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2007-12-20
Updated: 2007-12-20
Packaged: 2018-01-25 05:53:35
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,598
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1635026
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/yuletide_archivist/pseuds/yuletide_archivist
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Ernie/Bert.  Bert tries several times to gain the upper hand and fails.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Why Sex Ed Should Stay in Schools

**Author's Note:**

> Written for Settiai

 

 

 **Title:** Why Sex Ed Should Stay in Schools

 **Pairing:** Primarily Bert/Ernie, mentions of others.

 **Warnings:** Muppet dubcon, references to noncon... Look, this is just plain wrong, okay? No child should read this. Hell, probably no adult should read it either.

 **Note:** In your journal, you wrote: _...my roommate asked me "what's the worst that could happen?"_ I'm not sure if I was supposed to take that as a challenge, but I did. ;) A very happy Yuletide to you, Settiai!

My sincerest, most heartfelt apologies to Jim Henson's spirit.

Additional credits/sources listed after the fic.

**Why Sex Ed Should Stay In Schools**

**1\. Hard and soft**

Bert held up his spoon, making a few yummy sounds as he stared down at his most favorite bowl which he had just filled with his most favorite food in the whole entire world: oatmeal. Alone at last (Ernie had gone to the puppet lab for a few adjustments), he had wasted no time cooking up the delicious treat, excited at the prospect of actually being able to eat the entire bowl unmolested for once.

He picked up his spoon, his entire body humming with excitement. The oatmeal steamed up at him happily. For a moment, he almost burst into song about how wonderful it was to eat healthy food. He managed to suppress the urge; he could sing later, with the pigeons. Now it was time to eat.

The shining silver edge of the spoon had just dipped into the gooey wonderfulness of the oatmeal when a voice - the voice - _his_ voice sounded from the doorway.

"Oh hi there, Bert! I'm so glad you're home. Want to play a game?"

The spoon fell from Bert's fingers, landing flat on the oatmeal. The oatmeal gave a displeased puff of steam that would probably wilt his eyebrows.

"Hello, Ernie. No, thank you, I don't want to play a game right now." There wasn't any chance at all that Ernie would actually listen, but Bert couldn't help trying. It was his tragic flaw.

"It's a really fun game, Bert. Here, let me show you something."

"No, Ernie, I don't think-"

But Ernie had already walked up beside him.

"Ernie, please. The oatmeal's going to go cold! _Ernie-_ "

"Now, now, Bert. This won't take long. See, take a look at what I've got here, Bert."

"Ernie, what are you doing? Why are you taking those off? Ernie, don't-" Before Bert could even finish saying the words, Ernie had taken his shoes off and thrown them over his shoulders. "-put those there," he finished lamely.

None of his protests put a damper on his orange friend's enthusiasm. Instead, Ernie ducked down and began working on his blue pants.

"Now what are you doing? It isn't bathtime, Ernie. Cut it out."

Ernie just bobbed his head up and down, laughing his special laugh. The pants soon followed the shoes over Ernie's shoulder. "See, lookey here, Bert," he said proudly, pointing between his legs.

"Alright. I'll look. Only so I can finish my oatmeal in peace."

The last time they'd shared a bath together - something Bert hated to do because Rubber Duckie hogged the soap - the place between Ernie's legs had been just like Bert's: soft, high-quality, smooth felt. Nothing remarkable.

Now, there was something new there. Something slightly similar in shape and size to Ernie's nose, created out of the same pink felt. A few whisps of odd black hair had been added to the area right around where it was attached. Sort of like a beard, Berth thought, only a lot curlier.

"Why do you have two noses, Ernie? And Ernie? That's the wrong place for a beard. Aren't you too young for a beard anyway?"

"Bert, we're thirty-eight years old. It's not a beard. And this isn't a nose, Bert. It's a penis."

"A penis? You never had one of those before."

Ernie reached down and waved his penis around a little. "The lab said that boys and girls need to know what happens to their bodies when they get older, and since they can't talk about it in the schools, we Muppets are going to step in and help out."

Interested despite himself, Bert asked, "What's it for?"

"All kinds of things. Let me show you."

Bert glanced down to where a few thin whisps of steam struggled to rise from his rapidly cooling oatmeal. "I'm sure they are all very nice, but it's going to have to wait until later."

"That's okay, Bert. We can use your oatmeal to help learn about my penis."

"You don't say. Do penises like oatmeal?" If they did, Bert thought, surely they couldn't be too bad.

"Let's find out," Ernie suggested. "Get some on your spoon."

Bert dipped his spoon into the oatmeal, looking at it longingly.

"Blow on it now, Bert. Don't want it to be too hot!"

Bert shrugged his nonexistent shoulders at the delay, but he blew on the otmeal, ruthlessly wiping out the last struggling bits of steam.

"I didn't mean the oatmeal, Bert," Ernie snickered. "That's okay, Bert. Put it on my penis."

It was difficult, trying to use the hard spoon to put the cooling cereal on the awkwardly-shaped penis. Finally, Bert had to use his fingers, smearing it down, then up. Up, toward Ernie's grinning face, then down, toward the floor. Up, down.

The penis started to change shape. It went from soft, like Bert's own floppy, soppy arms, to hard, like a pigeon's beak.

"Ernie! Your penis has gone from _soft_ to _hard!_ "

"Isn't it great? I guess it really likes oatmeal. Put some more on there, Bert. Oh, yeah. Right there, Bert. Just a little more."

Bert did as asked, happy to share with a fellow oatmeal-lover even though his mouth watered in anticipation of eating some of the delicious cereal himself. Eventually, he put the spoon back into the bowl and it came up empty.

"Ernie! You used up all of my oatmeal!" Once again, Ernie had managed to trick him out of his much-anticipated snack.

"That's okay, Bert. It's all still right here. Still warm, too. Go right ahead, Bert."

"What? I can't get it on the spoon from there, Ernie."

"Just lick it off, like a lollipop."

Bert stared at the oatmeal, mesmerized. It looked so delicious. And he'd seen Cookie Monster eat cookies from Oscar's trash can, so why not?

"Are you sure you don't mind?" Bert asked. It was Ernie's penis, after all.

"Not at all, Bert. Just watch out for your teeth."

"We don't have teeth."

"Oh, right."

It took a few minutes to work out the best way to get situated. In the end, Bert carefully moved his favorite bowl to the sink. Ernie sat on the table where the bowl had been, legs spread.

Bert tucked his napkin into his shirt, pulled up his chair, and leaned forward.

"Ernie, your penis has gone _soft_ again!"

"I think your oatmeal's getting cold, Bert."

Bert's monobrow shot up in alarm. Quickly, he leaned in and took a nibble of oatmeal from Bert's penis. Within moments, the penis once more changed from _soft_ to _hard_.

The oatmeal tasted...different. Certainly not bad, but it wasn't his usual, tried-and-true-oatmeal. It was oatmeal-and-penis. Bert went back in for another taste, because it was important give new foods a fair try.

"Hey, this is pretty good," Bert decided after another nibble.

"Happy to be of service, Bert," Ernie said. He snickered, and Bert wondered what the joke was. It didn't matter though, with gooey delicious oatmeal to be eaten. He gobbled it up, making yummy sounds and humming happily the entire time.

Ernie was a good friend and helped support his head by holding it with both hands. Of course, as usual, he sometimes got a little too enthusiastic in his help and put a bit more in Bert's mouth than he could handle, but Bert was too busy eating the rest of his oatmeal to say anything about it.

Finally, he'd eaten every last little bit of it. He licked Ernie's hard penis one last time...

...only to be surprised by a sticky, creamy, salty burst of something that was most definitely _not_ oatmeal, or even oatmeal-and-penis. It shot into his mouth and when he turned his head, spurted onto his face as well.

"ERNIE!!"

"Looks like you're all done, Bert. Gotta go now, bye!" His penis soft once again, Ernie jumped up from the table quick as a flash, grabbed his pants, and ran out of the room.

Bert glared at Ernie's retreating figure for a minute, then his face softened and he sighed. At least he'd found a way to eat his oatmeal before it got too cold.

He ran a finger through the mess on his face and brought it to his mouth, tasting it. "Hmm. Not bad," he said.

*

**2\. I have a banana in my ear**

Bert sat in the living room, No. 2 yellow pencil hovering over an empty sheet of paper. It was Ernie's turn to go to the grocery store, but the orange Muppet had a habit of bringing home a large collection of random things that included everything but food and household goods. This time, Bert was going to get smart - he was writing a list.

First, he drew a picture of oatmeal. Ernie's new penis had kept them going through a LOT of oatmeal.

Second, he drew a picture of Vaseline. He wasn't sure why, but ever since the Muppet lab had started giving the Muppets penises and vaginas, his neighbors had been stopping over at all hours to borrow some. This was confusing since petroleum jelly usually didn't mix well with felt, feathers and fur. He supposed he'd find out what it was all about after his own visit to the lab later that afternoon.

Next, he started to draw a shiny new paperclip, which wasn't needed but would be nice to add to his collection.

He never finished the list because Ernie walked in. His pants were off and there was a banana stuck in his ear.

"Ernie, why do you have a banana in your ear?"

"I'm sorry, Bert. Did you say something?" Ernie took the banna out of his ear.

"I was wondering why you had a banana in your ear."

"Oh, I was just thinking about _in_ and _out_ , Bert. In fact, I've been thinking about _in_ and _out_ a lot lately."

Bert nodded. Such things were a frequent occurance in the lives of those dedicated to quality Edutainment.

"Want me to show you, Bert?"

"Sure, Ernie."

"See, right now, the banana is _out_ of my ear, Bert. _Out._ " Ernie waved the banana in the air triumphantly.

"Ah-ha. I see that, Ernie."

"And now, Bert, now I'm going to put the banana _in_ my ear. See that, Bert? The banana is _in_ my ear."

Bert nodded. "Yes, I see that, Ernie. Very interesting."

"And now I'm going to take the banana back _out_ again, Bert." Ernie did so. "Isn't that great?"

"Yes, Ernie. It's wonderful. Listen, it's your turn to go to the store today, so I-"

"Wait! I'm not done, Bert. There's another way we can learn about _in_ and _out_." He motioned to his penis.

"We're out of oatmeal, Ernie. Which is why you need to go to the store-"

"That's okay, Bert. We don't need any oatmeal for this."

"Ernie-"

"It won't take long, Bert, and then I can go to the store."

"Really?"

"Yes, Bert."

"Well, I suppose. Let's see it, Ernie."

"You need to take off your pants, Bert."

"What? Now? I haven't been to the lab yet, Ernie."

"Trust me," Ernie snickered.

Bert groaned, but he'd agreed and so he reluctantly moved his pants. He folded them up neatly and set them to one side. "Okay, Ernie. They're off. Now what?"

"Bend over the sofa there, like that."

"Like this?" Bert leaned over the arm of the sofa awkwardly, his skinny yellow rear end sticking up in the air. "I feel very silly, Ernie. Are you sure about this?"

"Very sure, Bert. Geddit? Sure, Bert. Like sherbert?"

Bert groaned. "I wish I had a banana in _my_ ear."

"Oh, you'll have something in you soon. Now just stay there, Bert."

Bert watched as Ernie held his penis in his short orange fingers. Within moments, the penis had gone from _soft_ to _hard_.

"Ernie, we already covered _soft_ and _hard_ , remember? We're supposed to be working on _in_ and _out_."

"Oh, we will, Bert. Now, where can I put this banana?" For once, Ernie didn't simply throw the item randomly across the room, for which Bert was grateful. Instead, he stuck it back in his ear.

"Now, the banana is once again _in_ my ear, and my penis is-" Suddenly, the cool air against Bert's bum was much warmer. Something - and Bert could guess what - was poking into his puppethole.

"Ernie?"

"My penis is _in_ your puppethole, Bert!" As soon as he said it, Bert felt something that most certainly wasn't a puppeteer's hand pushing itself into his only orifice.

"ERNIE! STOP THAT! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?"

"What? Did you say something? I can't hear you, Bert. I have a banana in my ear." Ernie snickered. He pulled his penis most of the way out, and Bert sighed in relief. "And now my penis is _out_ of your puppethole."

It didn't stay that way, though. Ernie demonstrated his understanding of _in_ and _out_ many, many times. After the shock of the first few thrusts, it started to feel pretty good, like feeding the pigeons or organizing his bottlecap and paperclip collections.

And after a few more thrusts, it felt _really_ good, like eating fresh-cooked oatmeal on a sunny day in the park.

Then it started to feel _too_ good, and Bert was getting frustrated. His entire body felt like it was working toward something that it had no physical means of expressing. It was starting to hurt.

"Okay, Ernie. We get the point. Cut it out, Ernie!"

But Ernie couldn't hear him because he had been differently-abled by the banana, and he seemed determined to fully reinforce the lesson through repetition. By the time he finally pushed in and stilled, Bert's entire body had gone from yellow to blue.

"Gee, that was fun. I guess it's time for me to go to the store now. Bye, Bert!" Cheerfully, Ernie pulled out of Bert's puppethole, which now felt kind of squishy. He grabbed his overalls and walked out the door, and all Bert could do was lie and stare helplessly.

"That's it. I'm going to get him," Bert grumbled.

*

**3\. Journey to Ernie**

Bert returned from the Muppet lab, yellow once more and proudly sporting a brand new penis of his very own. He wandered up and down Sesame Street, a Muppet even more unhinged than most, looking for clues that would lead him to Ernie.

He stopped at Oscar's trash can. "Oscar, have you seen-"

"SCRAM!" Oscar snarled. He clutched what looked like a handful of wet, deflated balloons protectively against his chest.

Bert ignored the outburst. "I'm looking for Ernie," he explained. "Please stop playing with those balloons and tell me where to find him."

"Heh, heh, heh. These aren't balloons," Oscar snickered. "These are pure, Grade-A used latex condoms from the trash out behind Luis and Maria's house. And Prairie Dawn is coming over soon, so I have to make sure they're nice and extra filthy. She's such a dirty little girl," Oscar trailed off, staring dreamily into space.

Eventually, he noticed Bert was still there and he glared. "So GET LOST!" he shouted before dropping down and slamming the lid of his trashcan.

Bert sighed. Sesame Street sure was different these days.

He started to walk again, but he wasn't watching where he was going and he ended up colliding headfirst into Grover. The cute little adorable furry monster went flying backward, landing in a tangle of his own arms and legs.

"Oh, I beg your pardon!" Bert said, holding out his hand to help Grover up. "Are you okay?"

Grover accepted gratefully. "Oh, dear. Yes, I am okay. I hope that you are okay as well?"

"I will be. Have you seen Ernie?"

"No, I have not seen him. I am very sorry, but I must hurry. Mr. Hooper said he had some very special free candy to give away today to a lucky girl or boy, and I want to get there before Cookie eats it all, the little slu-"

"I see. So you don't have any idea where I can find him?"

"I am afraid that I do not know. But you can ask Froggie over there," Grover casually gestured over his shoulder to where Kermit the Frog sat on a fence, picking out the strains of "Dueling Banjos" on his trusty instrument. "Good bye!"

Hopeful, Bert walked over to where Kermit was playing. Kermit nodded a greeting at him, chewing thoughtfully on a weed despite not having any teeth either.

"If you're looking for Ernie, he's over at the Muppet Farm, learning about animals," Kermit said, gesturing at the next set over.

"Thanks," Bert said. "How did you know-"

"Has anyone ever told you that you have a very special mouth?" Kermit stared at him intently through beady little eyes.

Unnerved, Bert backed up. He'd always heard that swamp folk weren't to be trusted, and Kermit had always seemed a little _too_ green. Feeling strangely vulnerable, he covered his puppethole with his hands and then turned around and ran as fast as his saddle shoes would take him.

The frog's information was good. Bert found Ernie at the Farm set, complete with straw hat and overalls, surrounded by farm animals and singing happily.

 _"And the cow says 'Mooooo',"_ Ernie sang.

A nearby cow moo'd.

The time for Bert's revenge was at hand.

 _"And the sheep says 'Baaaaa',"_ Ernie sang.

Several nearby sheep baaa'd.

"Hello, Ernie."

"Hello, Bert! Today we're learning about animals. Would you like to play with us, Bert?"

"No, that's okay, Ernie. You go ahead. I'll watch." Now that he had found Ernie, Bert realized that he had no idea how to trick him back to their apartment.

"Are you sure, Bert? We're going to pretend to be sheep. See, we get down on all fours like this, Bert."

The very idea offended Bert to the very core of his fastidious being. "You can't do that here! You'll get all muddy!"

"Good thinking, Bert." Ernie stood up and unhooked his cute denim overalls. "I'll just hang these over this fence here so they stay clean."

Bert just shook his head and sighed while Ernie removed and hung his clothes. Sometimes, Ernie had no idea of the proper way to behave. And none of this was getting them any closer to their apartment.

"So I get down on all fours right here, Bert. Like this, see?" Ernie knelt on the muddy ground, his puppethole clearly visible on his fuzzy orange bum. "Baaaaa... Baaaaa..."

Ernie crawled around, wiggling. "See, Bert? I'm a sheep! Baaaa..."

"Aha!" Bert said. He had just had the most exciting, wacky idea: why not turn the tables on Ernie right here - _outside_? Ernie thought Bert was a stick in the mud; he'd never expect such a wild, radical approach. Laughing quietly through his nose, Bert began to take off his pants.

At the sound of Bert's zipper going down, the real sheep and other farm animals that had been wandering around the vicinity looked up in alarm. When they saw him standing there with his hand stroking little Bert nice and hard, the animals all quickly wandered off to graze in greener, safer pastures.

Bert barely noticed them leave. He was firmly fixated on Ernie's exposed, winking puppethole. Quietly, he walked up behind Ernie, knelt behind him, and began to line up his plush, erect penis.

"What're you doing there, Bert?"

"Forget the sheep, Ernie. Tell me, what does a pig say?"

"A pig says-" Ernie started to say, but trailed off into a loud, gutteral, squealing grunt when Bert pushed in.

It felt wonderful. Soft, tight, velvety - like his penis was surrounded by nothing but the highest quality Poly-Fiber-Fil stuffing.

"I'm sorry, I didn't catch that, Ernie. What does the pig say?" Bert pushed in again, burying himself in that fluffy tightness.

"That's not hard enough, Bert," Ernie said. "Oh, and the pig says, 'oink, oink.'"

"WHAT?!" Bert stopped moving, completely at a loss.

"I said, 'Harder, Bert,' not 'Stop!' Oh, and a little to the left, if you don't mind." Ernie snickered and pushed back against him.

Bert moaned, as much from despair as from pleasure, and adjusted his thrusts a little to the left.

It was just easier that way.

*

**Credits:**

Sesame Street has been brought to you by the letters O, T and the number 3.

Puppethole and edutainment used this way came from Puppet!Angel. Several elements from Scene III were loosely based on the movie Deliverance. And of course, most of this came from Sesame Street - the banana in the ear directly.

Many thanks go out to: Greg, Dave, Sparky, Ronda, Tomi, and F. for their help brainstorming, and especially to F. for her help keeping it on track and Tomi for the grammar beta.

Most importantly, thanks to Settiai for her prompt: _Sometimes questions are more important than answers._ Although this is Sesame Street classic, the name of the 'Journey to Ernie' skit's much more recent - hope you don't mind, the name just fit too well.

 


End file.
